Where do you see yourself a year from now? Happy New Year. 2020. 2020 Vision. I’ve always wanted that. I’ve craved for the path to be just there in front of me. Chillin, cigarette in one hand, shot of whiskey in the other, with signs along it saying, “Come hither Brittany.” “Wrong way Brittany.” “Oh SHIT, DO NOT go that way.” “Brittany, I told you.” “Make a U-Turn Here.” “Yes, you got it girl.” “This is the right way.” “Take a right here Brittany.” “That road is not plowed.” “This way only, please for the love of God Brittany!” “Brittany you found your path.”
Okay.. That went on for a little longer than I expected. You get my point. I just want it all to be there. Right there. I just CRAVE knowing that I am making the right big life choices.
I remember when I was a little girl sitting at the park. The memory is so vivid as if I needed it stored away in my brain for times like this. My brother’s best friend Scott had just come home. I believe it was from the Navy, but could have been college or something like that. He came back and I remember being really sad that he was confused about how he wasn’t sure if he wanted to be home or back out there. I didn’t understand it. I must have been maybe only 11 at the time. How could you possibly be happy away from home? I asked him. “How could you love somewhere more than you love here?” He explained to me that once you leave home you go off and meet new friends and new people. You have more experiences and make more memories. He said how he loved two places just the same. In writing that, yes he did say it in a way to help a child understand. But, I didn’t. “How could you feel so torn between two different places?” I still questioned him, was sad that he didn’t want to stay home forever, and continued to eat my hot dog, no sauce please. Do people even really like ketchup?
You could think this is all absurd. That I use this as a diary. But, writing frees me. It helps me navigate life. It helps me see how incredible moments really are. Or how terrible things may have really been. It may help inspire you. Which is what I hope for. I didn’t write “He doesn’t love you”, to get you to tell me how crazy it is what has happened in my life. Cause Giiiiirl, trust me, I know. I write it to help myself get it out and I write it to help other people. I wish I had read that shit before. Not that it would have changed my decisions, but I would have felt a bit less alone. Ha. Ha. Eye Roll. But your passion may be going bowling, or taking photos, or cooking.
I have a passion for writing. And with all the shitty things that have happened, I may as well use them to my advantage. Am I right, or am I right? But truly, you know what happened after I wrote about my decade. I reflected. I heavily reflected on the last decade. I didn’t write about all the incredible places I saw. I didn’t write about the amazing people I met. I wrote about how heavy those ten years were. And. They. Were. In saying that, reflecting on my decade showed me what I want to see for the next.
So, as I was saying. A year from now, what do you see?
I honestly say this with tears in my eyes as man some things are really faaaa-reaaaking terrifying. But how do you know if you don’t ever try. I’ve been hurt beyond belief in so many ways, but does that mean I never want to love again. Of course not. Which is half my problem in the first place. As I, head over heels and toes, believe in love more than possibly anyone you will ever meet. I took chances. And guess what? They absolutely s-h-a-t-t-e-r-e-d me into a million little pieces.. AND, I don’t regret any of it. It gave me these “beautiful” stories to tell. It gave me hope for something better, something more. Never wanted those relationships to end, but hallelujah and amen praise above that they did.
When I moved away from New York, when I was just a really hideous 12 year old kid who was a homebody and never ever wanted to leave the house I grew up in, I hated it. Loathed it. Looking back, I was really angry for a 12 year old kid. Seriously, no 12 year old should be that angry. But, that’s a story for another day. Hated NH. I never embraced living here. I can admit that. Then, yes, you are getting the hang of it now… I didn’t want to leave New Hampshire. Went on to my first ship, hated it. Never wanted to do another contract. Jesus, that was in 2005. It is now 2020. So as you can see from my examples. (I’m just laughing at myself because I first spelled example with a b.. example… Face in palm. My brain is just so foggy.. Once again, another story for another day.) Okay, as you can see.. I don’t do so well with change. At first. But truly there has been so much beauty that has come from the things I may not have wanted to do at first. The risk. The jump. The leap.
Change Is Scary. You Fight To Hold On. You Fight To Let Go.
My first resolution is to listen to my intuition and my gut instinct. That is probably why my “A year from now”, looks so different than what you may be expecting. Truly, take a moment today and see it. Envision it. Really, truly ask yourself. What do you see a year from now?
A year from now. I don’t want to be the same person I am today. I need to be a happier, healthier version of me. I know what I don’t see next year at this time. I don’t see pain or heartache. I don’t see having spent the last 8 months away. I don’t see being or feeling stuck. I see less social media. Less confusion. Less hating my body. More importantly, I know what I do see and what I want to see. I see growth. I see hard work and determination that has hung around all year. I see hanging a Christmas Ornament with someone I am head over heels and toes in love with. Someone who supports me, loves me, cherishes me, respects me. And I will be the same for that person. You know that crave for each other. I’ve been having a lot of dreams about it lately.
I see the perfect relationship in my dreams which gives me hope that it is possible. I think that is my little nudge from the Universe. I see memories of more hiking, more sunsets, more laughter. I see yoga and watching the sunrise, vegetables and tea. I see a meeting with a book publisher who is loving my first book and craves to read what I write next. I see me standing there incredibly healthy and happy. I’m still standing next to the Christmas tree in my head. Not sure why this is so prominent in my brain, maybe at the end of the year I will find out.
I see more camping and making the perfect (burned) marshmallows on bonfires. I see Nashville. I see a trip with my best friend. I see traveling with people I care about. More camping. More dancing. Cozy nights snuggled up with a glass of wine and a good book. My book. More Patriots games and tailgating. I see more blaring music in the car screaming at the top of my lungs 90’s punk with my girls. I see more new friendships made. Concerts. Always more concerts. I see the four seasons. Planting flowers. Watching and listening to thunderstorms while comforting my terrified Brady. I see fireworks, not near Brady. I see more loving on more animals. That’s normal for me though. I see the most clarity. I see growth. I see dreams coming true. I see hope, health, happiness, love.
That. Shit. Is. Scary.
Because, what if we fail? What if we try and it doesn’t work? What if our heart gets broken again? What if we don’t love this life more than the last one? What if we screwed up our whole path? What if we don’t change? What if we don’t grow? What if we make wrong decisions?
Oh but darling. You will never fly, if you never fall.